This is a story about a friendship salvaged.
A story of two best friends, who might temporarily have lost their
closeness,
but who - just in time - realize what true friendship should be all
about.
That it's not always blue skies and laughter.
That there are sometimes deep valleys and harsh and difficult truths
to overcome to get back to the core.
The word "friendship" is probably one of the most abused terms in
all languages.
People often take it too lightly and mistake the term "acquaintance"
with "friend".
Unfortunately in my life I've learned the hard way too many times,
that there aren't many people who take friendship as seriously as I do.
But, fortunately in my life I have been -- and still am -- blessed
abundantly
with the presence of people, who DO understand what friendship should
be all about.
That it's a two way street of giving and receiving.
I am humbled and grateful to be able to call those people my friends.
It is to them that I dedicate this story.
Anne-Marie and José: we've been sharing our lives since kindergarten;
you made me the third sister,
Re'uven: you're truly a "friend" in the deepest sense. You da man, R!
Miriam: wise beyond your years!
Atara: Honesty to the point of being blunt :)
love to have found a kindred soul and stay connected so long!
Robert: calm and steady, I can always count on you,
Dicky: thanks for all the laughter girlfriend, under all circumstances,
Michael: my love, my friend, always.
And the wonderful new, true, friends I've found through the wonders of
modern technique:
Maria: what can I say? Obe Wan Kenobe! My budsky, my teacher, my guide.
Sounds pretty lofty, eh budsky, for two gals who share a brutally
honest and straightforward friendship?
Cindy: Friendship with a capital F, you are IT, GF!
You and I both know what defines "friendship". You're a beautiful gift.
June: "separated at birth" LOL. For the laughter, for finishing my sentences and everything else, I thank you. Love ya!
Shar: together we're so wicked, aren't we? You're terrific and as straightforward as they come. Sound familiar?
Beth: the common bond all my friends share is loyalty. Through good times and bad, you're always there.
Beth, loyalty is thy middle name! Love you, your strength and your loyalty.
Brenda N.: rarely met a more giving person! From one anal person to another: thanks for everything!
Debbie: we understand the same language, which is the language of true, honest friendship.
Tam: always there to lend a helping hand. You're invaluable, Tam, thank you.
Laureen: thanks for your selfless lessons, insights, very honest
comments and encouragement,
Denise: for your "friendship in fanship" and for re-acquainting me
with part of my heritage.
To all these wonderful people I raise my glass.
To you, to life, to friendship.
May it last for a long time to come: L'Chayim!
"Starsk, wait!"
Hutch tried to catch up with his partner as Starsky stormed out of
Kira's house.
But Starsky didn't wait and hurriedly got into the Torino, taking off
at great speed.
Hutch lost sight of the Torino before he had a chance to put his
battered LTD in gear.
At least give me a chance to explain, mushbrain! Hutch thought
as he turned the same corner following the Torino's trail.
He drove around the city, but concentrated on checking all their
usual hangouts and the police station, looking for Starsky.
Finally, when he didn't even spot the Torino in front of Starsky's
apartment, he drove back home.
As he entered his apartment he walked straight toward the
refrigerator.
When he opened its door the light shone on all the contents the
fridge held: 3 six-packs, a bottle of whiskey, two bottles of wine and a stale jar of jam.
He liberated one can of beer and turned as he was in the process of
closing the fridge.
Then he noticed Starsky in the doorway to the greenhouse.
"Starsk ---" He couldn't remember seeing the Torino in front of his building.
"Why did ya do it?" Starsky's voice sounded emotionless, flat.
"Starsk, I'm so sor ----"
"Don't you dare say you're sorry ---," Starsky inhaled deeply, "--- don't you dare."
The mood in the apartment was heavy. Hutch did not know what to do
next.
In his heart he knew he was wrong, but somehow, something in
Starsky's demeanor told him it would be extremely hard to explain himself to his partner,
so he remained silent, hesitant and anxious.
After a few moments of total quiet filled with a tension so thick
that it could have cut through steel, Starsky moved toward the door.
"You and me, we gotta talk. But first we got a job to do. I expect ya
to act like a pro.
Lives are at stake here. Can I trust ya ta----".
Another awkward silence.
"Can ya handle that?"
Hutch nodded his reply.
From the doorway his partner stared at him. They were just a few feet
apart, but it might have been miles.
Talk to me, yell at me, do something, damn it! Don't just leave,
he thought.
But without so much as a second look, Starsky turned his back toward
him and left, leaving Hutch alone in the deafening quiet of the apartment.
Hutch felt as if the air had been sucked out of his system.
He stood there, forgetting the beer in his hand when finally the
ringing of his phone pulled him from his thoughts.
He picked up the receiver only to find Captain Dobey's voice on the
other end of the line, scolding him and Starsky for not calling in and telling him to get over
to view yet another body of another dead dancehall girl.
When Dobey inquired why the partners weren't together and why he had
to call them separately Hutch couldn't produce a slick answer.
The loud click on the other end told him his superior was not going to
let this matter rest.
When it rains, it really pours, he thought.
"What a wonderful world," he cynically muttered to himself as he
wearily picked up his keys and went on his way to view the latest victim's body.
TWO
With the perp arrested and taken into custody the case was closed
and the three cops were left at the dancehall to take care of the last details. There was an
uncomfortable tension between the two men and the woman. They each handled their respective part
of the tasks, mostly in silence.
Kira signed off first.
Starsky and Hutch lingered for a while, stealing glances at the other,
wondering how to break the stalemate.
Finally Hutch couldn't take the silent treatment he was receiving
from Starsky anymore.
"Look, I'm done here -- I'm going home. Can you handle it from here?"
he asked, not able to avoid an irritated edge to his tone.
Starsky looked at him with an expression in his eyes that
could freeze a fire.
"Can you?" he asked, in a quiet, even tone.
"Oh, man --- "
Frustrated, Hutch made an abandoning gesture with his hand, turned and
started walking toward the exit.
"Goin' straight home?" Starsky couldn't resist calling after Hutch.
Angrily, Hutch turned.
"Look, what's the deal? --- Huh? You want this out in the open, then
get to it! Don't play with me, Starsky."
"Play with you?" came Starsky's quick retort.
"Oh, fuck ---" Hutch replied and quickly exited the ballroom.
Starsky lingered a while longer, with the rest of the crime scene
unit.
All of them were stunned, as they had never seen the partners behave
towards each other this way. After 15 minutes, Starsky dismissed himself and left as well.
THREE
As Starsky climbed the stairs to his apartment he felt odd.
Life was turned upside down these past few weeks. All the norms and
values he had known and trusted had been thrown out of sync.
Security had been replaced by emptiness.
When he opened the door and stepped into his apartment his
contemplative mood transformed into anger as he noticed Hutch on his couch.
Under normal circumstances Hutch's presence would not have bothered
him, but now it was like a tiny flame that was situated too close to the gunpowder.
Wordlessly, he hung up his jacket and gun and made his way to the
kitchen.
Hutch had not even turned around to face Starsky, but had remained on
the couch - silent.
Refusing to acknowledge his partner's presence, Starsky remained in
the kitchen and puttered around, hoping Hutch would take the hint and leave on his own
accord.
Instead his partner got up from the couch and entered the kitchen, just
as Starsky took a swig from his beer.
Looking frustrated, Hutch walked over to Starsky.
"So what's the deal, huh? Don't you have something you want to tell me?
Huh?"
Hutch could not have chosen a worse moment to demand rather than
ask for a response.
His partner's attitude irked Starsky terribly.
You lousy prick! You'd better get the hell outta here before we both
do something we might regret.
He clenched his jaw but remained still.
"Oh come on, Starsky! Don't play dumb with me." Hutch said.
Starsky's motions stopped for a second, spoon suspended in mid-air.
Play dumb?
Anger rose within him. He struggled to keep it from boiling to the
surface.
"Starsk, I know you've got plenty to tell me, so let's get on with it. What's bothering you?"
That was it!
With a deadly expression in his eyes, Starsky dropped the spoon he'd
been holding and turned to face Hutch.
"I don't know what the hell's the matter with you. All I know is that
you're not Hutch anymore.
So, I got one thing to say to you: ya better go out there and
find yourself and stop serving me the crap you've been serving me for God knows how long now.
Get out and find Hutch. Once ya found him, my door's wide open.
Right now I want ya ta get the hell outta here!"
"What the hell is this all about? Who died and made you Mr. Perfect?" an indignant Hutch replied, voice rising.
Stunned, Starsky looked at this man opposite him.
Finally, he walked towards the door and said in a clipped, hoarse voice,
"If that's what ya think this is all about, you've taken a wrong
turn somewhere along the line.
Now --- get out ---- please."
He held the door open for Hutch to pass.
Hutch started to say something, then abandoned the thought. On the
landing he stopped and turned. Starsky didn't look at him.
"Have it your way, putz," Hutch muttered as he turned and descended the
stairs.
Putz? Starsky couldn't believe his ears.
He was ready to run down the stairs and have it out with this creature
that outwardly resembled Hutch but inside was a stranger, but the sound of his phone
stopped him from his plans. He closed the door and, as he could hear the LTD
careening off, he walked over to the phone and picked it up.
It was Kira ----
FOUR
They looked at each other, then said "Okay" and left The Pits with
their arms firmly around the other's shoulder.
It looked like old times to everyone, including Huggy, who was all too
relieved to see how his old friends seemed to have "kissed and made up".
But as soon as Starsky and Hutch stood on the sidewalk outside their friend's establishment, they released their grip and stood, a few feet apart in silence.
"We still gotta talk," Starsky began, not looking at Hutch.
"I know," Hutch responded.
"My place?"
A curt nod from Starsky and the men got into their respective cars.
In front of Venice Place they parked and wordlessly entered the
building.
Once inside Hutch's apartment, their jackets still on, Hutch
immediately walked over to the fridge.
"Want a brewsky?" he called out, his tone of voice a reminder of old
times.
"Nah, I wanna keep my head clear," came Starsky's less-than- enthusiastic reply.
Cautiously Hutch opened the can and turned to face his partner.
"Okay, you first."
As Starsky looked at this man in front of him a multitude of
emotions washed over him.
What the hell happened to get us to this point, Hutch?
Is there still a chance we can get back to normal, or is what I'm about
to say gonna mean the end of everything we had?
Didn't it mean the same to you as it did to me? Where have you gone?
What made you change so? What happened that made you so ---- bitter?
Resentful? Cynical?
Where the hell did you go?
He took a long deep breath, not sure how and where to begin.
What to pick for an opening line.
Finally, while looking at the floor, he said,
"I wanna know what happened. What happened to make you do --- what ya
did.
You were coming totally from left field with that and I don't know
what made you do it!
And why?"
"Are you talking about Kira?"
Incredulously Starsky looked at Hutch.
"What else? Not that I couldn't mention a few things ----"
"Look, Starsk.
Don't you see she was playing us for fools? She wanted to have her cake
and eat it too, and she found two suckers dumb enough to play along with her."
"Is that how you see it? Huh?
I wasn't playing any game. And I thought I'd made that pretty
clear to ya.
I told ya I loved her and what do you do?
You turn around and go get some --- what the hell was
that all about?!" Starsky raised his voice.
"I didn't go out to 'get me some'. I told you I just wanted to hear from her if she felt the same way about you."
"And you think that's a normal thing to do?
To check with someone if they're really sure about the person who's
just told you they're in love --- if they feel the same way?
What kind of crap is that?"
"For your information, Kira was the one who lit the fire and
kept it going, as far as I'm concerned.
I never went to her, she came to me!"
"And you politely refused, huh, cos you knew your partner, your friend was already involved with her," Starsky spat out sarcastically.
"Oh, come on, Starsk! You guys weren't serious. So you dated a few times, made love a few times. We've been in this situation before. We did that countless times."
"Yeah, but never at the same time, with the same girl and certainly
never while either of us knew the other was going with that girl ---
You knew, Hutch! And still you go after her!"
"I told you she solicited it ---"
"And what are you? A babe in the woods? Huh? You're so innocent you
didn't know what hit ya? Get real, Hutch. Be a man and take responsibility!
You knew what was goin' on between Kira and me
and still instead of doin' the proper thing and saying no, you took her up on her -- as you say it -- 'solicitation'?"
"You don't own her, buddy! You know damned well we were all just having fun. It's not like there were any wedding bands lurking in the near future."
"Oh, you'll stop at a wedding band -- that 's decent of ya," Starsky snapped.
"Come off it, Starsky! One month! One lousy month you date a girl and you act like you own her!"
"Well, I remember a time when my old buddy Hutch, my partner, my
best pal, wouldn't even look twice at another girl as soon as I'd told him I was
interested enough to try and make something happen.
I remember a time when I could blindly tell what you would do, that I
could trust your mind and your actions.
I just told ya you totally caught me off guard with what ya did --- and
it hurts."
Starsky's piercing gaze tried to analyze this blond stranger in front
of him.
Hutch just stood there, the vein on his temple throbbing.
"I wanna know where the real Hutch went. What made you
change? What happened that was so bad that you could go and stab your best friend in the back?
Or am I? Huh?
Did you change your mind about our friendship too?"
"I didn't stab ---" Hutch's voice sounded strange -- hoarse and restrained.
"Hell of a way to treat your friend, buddy boy.
Whatever happened to loyalty and trust? Huh? Dammit, I trusted
you Hutch!
How many times I told ya you're my best friend, huh?
What did ya think, that I was just singin' a tune? You know me
better than that. I don't just sing the tune, I write the words, pal!
I stick to what I say cos I actually mean it! Can you say the
same thing?
Or are ya just sayin' the words without feelin' ya hafta back 'em up?
All form and no substance, huh?!"
"We're friends, you know that!" Hutch said, giving Starsky an icy look.
A sudden stillness filled the room.
Then Starsky calmly said,
"How do I know?"
Hutch was flabbergasted for a second.
"What?"
"I said 'How do I know?' How do I know we're friends?" Starsky replied, his voice still deadly calm.
"Oh, come on Starsky! Don't all the years we've spent together mean
anything to you?
Didn't I prove time after time after time that we are friends, huh?
Didn't I save your life a few times, held you when you were sick or
wounded?
Cleaned up the mess after someone hurt you or left you? Didn't I do all
that?"
"And ya want a medal for that?" Starsky calmly replied.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"The way you mention everything sounds like you been keepin' score.
'Saved his life twice, saved my life twice.
Helped mend a broken heart three times, helped mend my broken
heart two times'.
Ya forgot to mention ya planted a tree in my name!" Starsky smirked,
"Keepin' everythin' in balance there, Hutch? What's the score?"
"What kind of a lousy thing is that to say?" Hutch demanded.
"Did I strike a nerve? Hit a bit too close to home, buddy?
Ya see, that's the difference between you 'n' me.
I don't think. God knows you've blamed me for that countless times."
Starsky moved toward the door to the green house as he spoke.
"I do -- I feel -- I act on impulse, on instinct.
And I don't think.
When I consider someone a friend, I feel like I don't hafta
think anymore.
Then all my actions and my feelings come from here."
He pointed at his heart.
"Don't you think that's kind of a Pollyana approach?" Hutch smirked.
"Unconditional, Hutch.
When I consider someone a friend, I give that person all my trust.
I blindly believe that person will do the same because that's one of
the major things on my list of what defines friendship.
Trust.
I don't give myself easily, but when I do, I'm like a bad penny; ya
can't get rid of me --- unless you do something that'll mess it all up."
A long pause followed.
Starsky took time to look at Hutch, who just stood by the kitchen
counter, staring at the floor again, looking grim.
Starsky contemplated for a moment.
Say something, Hutch! And not another smart-ass remark. I'm pouring
my heart out here. What the hell is the matter with you?
Where's the White Knight? The soul mate, the partner who knows me inside
and out?
Are you still in there, buddy? What the hell else do I gotta do to get
through to you?
He continued.
"I trusted you and I stood by you. Me and Thee, no matter what.
But somewhere along the line --- I dunno --- I get the feelin' that ---
that maybe --- I dunno -- something changed.
It wasn't Me and Thee anymore. I don't know what started it or
when it exactly started for that matter, but for some time now, I've been getting these vibes
from you like --- like our friendship don't mean the same to you as it does to me."
Starsky's eyes examined Hutch again.
His partner was still standing like a statue, but it was obvious the
tension inside the blond was building.
No response yet, buddy? Hutch, don't make this harder than it has
to be ---
Okay, here goes nothing.
Starsky took a deep breath, before taking the plunge.
"If this thing with Kira was your way of tellin' me something --- it
worked. ---- Or it would've if it weren't for my stupid sense of loyalty.
Cos despite the knife ya just stuck in my back, Hutch, I think we could
still work this out -- but ya gotta come out in the open.
D'ya think what we have is worth it?"
Hutch took a long swig from his beer and put it down on the counter
with a thud.
He began pacing the length of the counter and was obviously
seething.
Starsky held his breath.
Finally Hutch spoke. His tone low, soft almost menacing.
"You know, I've been standing here listening to you going on about how
I messed things up.
And God knows I've made mistakes cos hell, Starsk, I'm only
human, you know!
But the self-righteous way you present things now, the absolute
whitewashing of your own personality and behavior --- So help me, Starsk, you talk about change?
You keep going on about how I've changed?!
Take a good look in the mirror, mushbrain, and take in the view.
Can you imagine that my change perhaps was induced by the
change in you, huh?"
Hutch's response came out of left field for Starsky yet again.
He stood flatfooted, with a dimwitted expression on his face, his mind
spinning to catch up.
Hutch continued,
"How dare you question my feelings about our relationship! If
anything, it was I who kept this thing going all these years.
I picked up the pieces countless times when you were ready to
throw in the towel.
It was me who grabbed you by your neck and pulled you back into
our friendship, buddy, time after time again.
I sat through your whining and complaining, I sat through your
irresponsible behavior and mindless acts and I did that because frankly, you amused me.
I needed that. I needed that counterpart of silliness.
I had the best of both worlds -- a great partner who'd give his life
for me on the job and after hours a friendship with Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up.
You were the Ying to my Yang. But then you changed. You stopped being lighthearted.
Peter Pan disappeared and you turned into a, uh, you became a ---"
he rubbed a hand over his mouth,
"--- you became the proverbial Jewish mother: whine, whine, sour,
complain, whine, whine, whine ---. Don't take out on me what you, yourself, drove me to."
"So now you're blamin' me for what happened?
You're blamin' me for -- for ---" Starsky was too baffled to
express his thoughts.
"Yeah! That's right! I'm blaming you.
I'm blaming you for losing yourself! For growing up!
For stopping to be the one point of sanity in this fucked-up world we
live in.
My escape hatch."
Practically shaking with emotion, Hutch spat out the words.
Starsky was stunned. He'd never thought their argument would take
this turn.
"You're blamin' me for growin' up? Hutch, I'm a man! I can't stay ten
goin' on forty forever!
What the hell kinda crap argument is that?"
"It's not a crap argument and you know it. We are in this friendship
together, whether you like it or not.
I can't just keep giving and giving without being re-juiced from time
to time.
You are the one who changed the dynamics of our friendship when you
stopped being you."
His mind was numb. He just stared at Hutch for a while, then quietly
said,
"You're nuts. I think you've actually really lost it! Is that why your
meals include at least two six-packs a day? Because I ceased to be your comic relief?"
Hutch snapped his head in Starsky's direction.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Where the hell do you get
off ---"
Starsky stormed over to Hutch's refrigerator, opened it and
frantically pulled out its contents and set them on the counter.
"You're blamin' me for this too?" Starsky, gesturing at the booze,
barked at Hutch who by now was truly seething.
"You know what you've just told me is completely the opposite of what
you've been acting out for a long time now already?
You continuously blamed me for being irresponsible, childish, silly ---
telling me I should grow up, wise up.
Telling me I'm stupid, dumb and all kinds of variations on that
theme to let me know just what was wrong with me and that despite all
my shortcomings, you still put up with me!
D'ya have any idea how old that was beginning to get? Huh?
D'ya have any idea how sick I would get of those remarks
from time to time?"
"I didn't mean that, you know that. It was all said in jest," Hutch bit back as he walked over to the kitchen counter and put everything Starsky had just retrieved from the fridge back in its place.
"Was it? Maybe it was, in the beginning. But lately your remarks had
this edge to them, Hutch. I often wondered if you even listened to yourself when you said those
things to me.
Did you know ya just called me a mushbrain again? Huh? I don't
even think you noticed it. I often wondered why you didn't see those remarks ceased to be funny
but became bitter and snappy ---
I often wondered if you ever realized how they could hurt my feelings
and make me resent you."
"What? Do I have to be a mindreader now too?" Hutch snapped.
"Why not? If you can read my mind when we're in a hold-up situation.
When you know exactly what we'll do next; where I will be and where you
will be and how we will get the bad guys, I think you should be capable after all these years
to know what makes me tick.
To know what I like and dislike.
To know what makes me laugh.
To know what hurts me.
You could've known --- or should've known --- that after a while
those remarks were getting old.
That a person can only be told so many times he's dumb and take it for
the joke it's supposedly meant to be.
I know you, Hutch. I know when to stop, and I always kept to it.
But lately, the way I feel about things doesn't seem to matter to you
anymore."
"Bull -- I resent that," Hutch spat out.
"Resent all ya like. It's the truth and you know it.
How many times have you betrayed my trust lately, huh? Small things, big
things --- countless things.
I never minded being the butt of your actions, Hutch, as long as they
were recognizable as fun -- unintentional. But for some time now, they ceased to be fun; they became
nasty.
So many times I gotta find out things last. Kind of a strange situation,
dontcha think?
For a best friend, a partner, to find stuff out through the
grapevine?
Instead of being told by his 'best friend'.
To always be the last in line? To find out all your 200 "closest friends"
knew before me ---"
Starsky shook his head.
"You've got more close friends than a dog has fleas!
Spreadin' yourself a bit thin there, dontcha think so, buddy?" he
snorted sarcastically.
Hutch stared at the floor.
Starsky continued.
"If I changed it's because you shut me out.
And don't give me that crap of 'I'd never do that to you' or 'You
misunderstood'.
Just how fucking stupid do you think I am? Huh?
Every time I let myself be suckered into something again after you'd
tell me you 'never intended forgetting to tell me' or you 'never intended to shut
me out'!
You made that I couldn't take your word anymore.
I had to find my own way, because you weren't including me in
anything.
And if I 'grew up' as you say, I guess that was one of the inevitable
consequences."
Starsky paused a moment.
His throat constricted painfully as he feared that what he had to say next would mean the
end of the best friendship he'd ever had.
"I'm not out for an exclusive friendship. I'm not askin' for you ta make
me your only friend.
That's not what this is about.
This is about the fact that ya hurt me, Hutch, like I never thought
anyone could hurt me.
Ya stepped on my heart, Pal.
You couldn't have hurt me more if you'd shot me --- you betrayed my
trust."
The silence in the apartment was overwhelming.
Neither partner knew where to go from here.
Finally Hutch said,
"What does this mean?"
Starsky struggled to keep his emotions in control.
"I'm still willing to give it a go.
If you think we're still worth it --- this was just the opening
shot.
We got a lot of mess to clean up. We gotta rebuild the trust."
A full minute passed by. Starsky silently said a prayer.
I don't wanna lose our friendship, Hutch. God, let him come to his
senses; let the old Hutch return. The guy who knew me and acted accordingly. Don't let this
be the end.
Finally Hutch's voice sounded again.
"It's going to be one hell of a trip. We may end up with some
casualties."
Starsky let out a shivering sigh.
"As long as there are no fatalities ----"
His heart pounded so ferociously, he swore it could be heard over the
stillness in the apartment.
Then Hutch looked him straight in the face. He knew that expression.
It was guilt.
I got through to him --- Thank God! He got the message.
Hutch gave Starsky a faint, apologetic smile.
Then he walked over to the fridge and got out all the alcoholic drinks
again and put them on the counter.
As he began unpacking the first of the six-packs, he looked up at
Starsky and said,
"Want to give me a hand?"
The anticipation on Starsky's face melted into a warm smile.
He walked over to the counter and together the friends emptied
all the cans and bottles into the sink.
The cleansing had begun.